A To Zen

NECESSARY LOSSES:

The Loves, Illusions, Dependencies, and Impossible Expectations That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Grow by Judith Viorst (New York: Ballantine Books, 1986)

Passionate investment leaves us vulnerable to loss. And sometimes, no matter how clever we are, we lose. - JUDITH VIORST

I USED TO BELIEVE most non-fiction that I read. My theory was that any author who was accomplished enough to have his or her work published must, of course, be telling the truth. Now I believe that these writers may be telling their truth, which is not necessarily mine. Necessary Losses fits into the category of "my truth" books.

I was introduced to Judith Viorst when my 8-year-old son, Joby, posted one of her poems on our fridge some 22 years ago. The title was "Mother Doesn't Want a Dog." I've been a fan since then, and was gratified when, at a particularly low point in my life, a friend handed me a copy of Necessary Losses.

Some self-help books, I expect, help the authors work through issues present in their lives. Some seem to be full enough of analytical jargon that, for the most part, only other authors of self-help books may be able to understand them. Viorst is able to explain psychoanalytic theory in a manner understandable to the common reader. With humor and grace, she blends equal parts of Freud with Shakespeare, showing us the flaws in every human connection and in every aspect of our lives, both past and present.

We grow up believing that the big loss in our life is death, be it ours or that of a loved one. What Viorst attempts to explain to us is that we are actually "losing" throughout our entire lives. We lose when we leave or someone leaves us. We lose our mothers as safety nets. We lose our impossible expectations and our illusions of freedom. We lose our own younger self and our slim younger bodies. We lose our romantic dreams of perfection. We lose hope, faith, trust, courage and illusions at different points in our lives.

These losses, says Viorst, are both universal and unavoidable, not necessarily caused by something that we did. We may not cause them, but we must expect them, and, unless we embrace them as a natural evolution in the human existence, we won't be free to learn, grow and move on with our lives.

This book is full of first-name case studies, all of which ring true when read. I believe that the wealth of this particular book lies in the threads of humor that are woven throughout the psychological writings and case studies. There is no easy way to sidestep the lessons. With any luck, we emerge on the other side of them both stronger and wiser. All we can do is learn what we can, look ahead with hope, and remember to breathe.

- SHIRLEY SANDRIDGE

Shirley Sandridge is an English Literature major at Otterbein College in Westerville, Ohio, and is scheduled to graduate (finally!) in June '04. She is a single mom with a 30-year-old son and a 17-year-old daughter, is the office manager for Kemp & Co. at Keller Williams Capital Partners Realty, and firmly believes in the philosophy that those challenges that don't kill us will surely make us stronger.