Orders of Love

I Take You and All That You Come From: What does it truly take to love someone? Andy Stuck, Ph.D., LISW, offers some guidance

If you want love to grow, you have to do that which supports it. And yet, it seems, with the divorce rate soaring at over 50%, that we may not understand what actually supports love. So, what does support love and help it flourish?

I have been privileged to spend much time in both London and Germany learning a most amazing family systems work called Orders of Love. Bert Hellinger is the originator of this work. Orders of Love, or "constellation work," is being passed on to many people in many nations at this point in time. Bert himself spent 20 years with the Zulus of South Africa. There he had, before his eyes, large extended families. While some of those families seemed quite fluid and loving, some were not. The question was simply this: Why do some families, couples and individuals have flowing, fluid, loving lives and others seem oddly unable to function well? The answers are quite enlightening.

All of love is about humility, honor, respect, and inclusion within families. There are five major components or orders which, when fulfilled, help love flow between and among family members, between couples, from parents to children, and even within organizations. Those five components are time, space, belonging, group conscience, and give and take. Below is a description of each of these orders and the impact that each has on the fluid ability to love and flourish as a person.

Time

Simply put, everything has a chronological order. First things really do come first. Grandparents come before parents, parents come before children. First-born come before second-born. First spouses are always first and nothing can change that fact. First spouses were there first and are a necessary and important part of the history of the family unit. Love flows from the first generation to the second and on and on, unless something takes place to disrupt or dishonor the order. If the order of time is honored, then love flows from the beginning to the present. The family and its members can both face and acknowledge its history, no matter what it is, as well as draw upon that history for strength and stability.

Space

Space is the element used to show us how the family and its generations of people are positioned. Through spatial representation of the family system, we see the tensions, the taboos, the rivalries, the crises, the recurring patterns that encumber family members and stop the harmony between members of the family system.

Ideally, a system flows from its beginning to its present in sequence or order. When members are placed in space (on the floor in an arrangement called a constellation), one rarely sees any order, let alone chronological "rightness." One sees the chaos that impinges the fluid flow of love.

Belonging

Everyone in a family has a right place, as well as a right to belong to the system, no matter what they do or how they act. One can never be "cast" out of a family system; they were born of it and are in it, period. We are born into a family system, in a particular position (i.e., first-born child).

If one is in the right place and acknowledged, respected, honored, and included as a member who belongs in that place, then all goes well and the system freely acknowledges, honors, respects, and gives to the next generation and shares well among the members of the current generation. If there is a dishonoring, disrespect, or an exclusion of the member (e.g., Uncle Johnny, the one who drinks, is never spoken of or invited to family gatherings), then there is rejection, odd behavior among the children in the system.

Family conscience

Every family develops particular ways that things are done. There are patterns and traditions that are established and passed onto the next members of the group. Some of these traditions are clear-cut and obvious.

For example, it may be totally clear that everyone from your family system attends The Ohio State University and to contemplate breaching this "unspoken rule" feels like a betrayal and brings much guilt and grief to the family member who wants to attend Northwestern. It may be tacitly agreed to that everyone in this family folds the towels lengthwise and not width-wise. Marrying another who folds towels in thirds causes great arguments as each member of the new couple wishes to fold towels a different way, a way loyal to their family of origin, which allows them to "belong" somewhere always.

Literally, we are saying, "If this is how I belong to this family, then I will do it no matter the cost." If we break from these loyal ways of being in the family, there is often rejection, disconnection, stress, and leaving taking place. If it all goes well and it is fitting to keep the loyalty, then love flows fluidly.

It is imperative that children not share the burdens of the negative events that have gone before them. Children must therefore find ways to tell their parents, even if it was terrible growing up, that they take their own lives from their parents with great love and respect and leave the rest in the proper generation. Thus all children must have the courage to hand back effects and traits that harm them and go forward with grateful souls for their lives, living well to honor their parents. All children must be courageous enough to defy loyalty that harms and bare the guilt of leaving home in order that they become lonely enough to bond with a partner for the future.

Give and take

Parents have but one real task: Parents give all that they are to their children, and children learn to receive with honor, respect, and love all that they are given. Parents "give" and children "take." When children give and parents take, the system is an inappropriate order. Children are elevated above their parents and are affected adversely by this elevation. Children who give to their parents are often under-performers who are depressed, anxiety ridden, and haunted by fraudulent feelings, and yet at the same time they feel superior to their parents and others, full of arrogance and feelings of entitlement. They become too powerful for their place and age.

Give and take between a couple is an act that requires reciprocity. For instance, if a spouse/significant other gives their partner a present, this receiving of the gift obligates the partner to want to give back to her or his partner. There is a bonding effect from giving to and receiving from another. The obligation is to return the favor, and in the return of that favor a cycle of reciprocal giving and taking is set in play, bringing couples closer and closer together. Over-givers, who bond with over-takers, create gaps that cannot be closed within relationships. Resentment ultimately fills the gap and anger separates the partners. Bonding is developed by a rhythm of slight imbalances.

If the give and take goes well, then there is justice, balance, generosity, willingness, and desire to stay in the relationship. If the give and the take are out of balance, then there is insecurity, resentment, mean-spirited feelings, and martyr-like behavior within the couple and the family system.

Love that flourishes

Couples and families who have established the flow of time, space, belonging, conscience, and give and take are couples and families who also flourish.

Flourishing partners are able to look at each other and grow their relationship through three very discrete and intensely different stages of bonding.

The first stage of coupling from love that is going well says, "I want you and I love you." All too often this is where couples stay, and all too often love dies in this stage from false giving and false agreements—"yes"s that are really "no"s breed gaps and resentments that are often insurmountable.

The second stage of coupling from love that is going well says, "I take you, and I take all that you come from." Everything before you, as your partner, is honored and placed in a respectful position. You say, "I do this for us and you do this for us. We, as a unit, a couple, will grow together and flourish.

The third stage of coupling from love that is going well says, "I take you and all that fate may bring us." This is a courageous love that is willing to stay loving even if a partner goes away or dies. The love does not fade. It is always in place. People who make it to this stage of love can look at each other fully and accept all that is and all that has been. These couples are able to say to each other, "You may die first; I will be fine."

The ability to live life as a couple in this manner rests solely upon the orders of love and the ability to accept all that went before with humility, honor, and respect and to do well with the life you were given, to honor all who came before you.

Doing well with one's life is the ultimate act of love for one's parents, grandparents, great-grandparents—for everyone who came before us and without whom there would be no us. Thank all of you who have made me possible. I live well to honor you.

Andy Stuck is a private practice therapist, business consultant, and professor, as well as a workshop presenter, both in the United States and abroad. She can be reached at (614) 785.1223, andystuck.com, and andystuck@aol.com.